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Current Terror Level:
Monday, April 30, 2001

I always thought that when you put a cat in the dryer it came out all fluffy and poofed up, with that cute but shocked expression on its face, like in the cartoons. I guess I was wrong.

Thursday, April 26, 2001

Who wants to have some fun? No, I mean who wants to have some *FUN*?!? Try Flying excellent interactive Shockwave animation. Click and Drag!

Tuesday, April 24, 2001

"We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it!"
"Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car Monorail!"

Monday, April 23, 2001

The headline reads: "Boy, 10, takes mom's car for spin". According to the article, the kid's going to get a stiff punishment in juvenile court...yet he probably drives better and more safely than 50% of the country's septua- and octogenarians. I say, let the kid off with a slap on the wrist and let's go after these aged motorists.

Friday, April 20, 2001

This weekend, I'm drinking Bud Ice Light in Charlottesville. And I'm seeing Dave Matthews Band. Jealous?

Thursday, April 19, 2001

We knew this kid from high school named Danny Schwartz. So one day, Danny Schwartz slips on some ice outside of the local Bennigan's restaurant. Before you knew it, Danny Schwartz is scootin around town in a shiny new purple Pontiac Sunfire. This only proves that Danny Schwartz has no taste in cars. What I'm really getting at is that Danny Schwartz coulda held out for more cash.

It's Jackie Chan-style action featuring the stick-figure guy. You know, the stick-figure guy from the men's room signs? Well, he's kicking ass and taking names.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001

Today, a quote from my favorite Brat Pack movie, St. Elmo's Fire:
Billy (played by Rob Lowe): Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journies by it, but the joke was on them...there was no fire. There was't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge.

Tuesday, April 17, 2001

The proprietor of the China Dragon restaurant in Holiday, Florida got pissed at resident fat guy Bob Middleton for eating too much at their all-you-can-eat buffet. If only the restaurant and the fat guy could reach some sort of agreement, not unlike the time Homer Simpson and Captain McAllister entered into a business agreement. Remember? "Come see Bottomless Pete, nature's cruelest mistake. Come for the freak, stay for the food."

Friday, April 13, 2001

Here at, we understand that you as the consumer are concerned about Mad Cow disease. As we approach the barbecue season, here you will find a handy guide to help you determine if your cow is safe to eat.

Everytime I try to convince someone that the US Treasury should eliminate the production of pennies, I get laughed at. Well maybe you wouldn't be laughing if you just knew the damn facts! Unless you're in cahoots with the damn zinc industry, you harlot! Down with the worthless penny!

Wednesday, April 11, 2001

The next time some jerk complains about cell phone use while driving, tell him/her to shove it. Don't drink (soda) and drive, kids.

Tuesday, April 10, 2001

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TACKLEBERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY??????????????

Monday, April 09, 2001

Years ago, I used to play this computer game, where babies would be thrown out of a burning building, and you, as the firefighter, would move one of those nets around to 'bounce' the baby to safety. The game got progressively harder as multiple babies were thrown out at the same time. Anyway, sometimes life imitates video games.

Sunday, April 08, 2001

I saw the perfect pair of movies this weekend, Traffic and Blow. I've been so brainwashed by these otherwise fine motion pictures because of the intense drug motifs (or is it motives?)...I think I'm gonna go freebase some cocaine.

Friday, April 06, 2001

Wacky stuff just hasn't been happening as much as it used to, in the good old days. But some kid got hit by a bus while stealing a bike, and then some other kid re-stole the bike from the dead kid. That's mildly wacky.

Wednesday, April 04, 2001

Some dumb Wisconsin kid got stuck in a vending machine trying to get a stuffed animal. It wasn't his arm that got stuck, it was his entire body save for his right foot. I'm trying to picture what type of vending machine is designed such that a six-year-old boy could climb up inside of it. Is it a big snack machine thing, or one of those boardwalk games with the grabbing claw? And why do these things always happen in Middle America?

Tuesday, April 03, 2001

Congratulations to Shane Battier and Duke for winning the NCAA Championship, but more importantly, congratulations to me for being so smart. Nobody gets the gift certificate! But for finishing second, Derik "the Notorious Well-Known" Cooley-Downs gets his debt to me reduced by 5 dollars. Congratulations, DCD.

Monday, April 02, 2001

The big game is tonight at 9:18 EDT. The Wildcats of Arizona versus the Blue Devils of Duke University. In the NCAA pool, it's Matt Sidie versus Rob Iracane. Cousin versus cousin for the big prize...five whole dollars at Of course, if I win the pool, I'm not eligible to receive the gift certificate. Therefore, the prize will go to Mr. Derik "the Golden Boy" Cooley-Downs, who can claim second place if Duke is victorious. However, due to a severe gambling problem, Derik will not receive the prize, but rather, he will have his $50 debt to me reduced by five dollars. This should be a lesson to you kids out there: never bet an over/under on an NFL playoff game.