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Current Terror Level:
Friday, March 30, 2001

Happy 24th Birthday to Amy Fisher! (no, not that one.)

Thursday, March 29, 2001

If you're a fan of the old-timey music from the Coen bros. movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? then you'll be happy to know that an ''O Brother'' concert tour is in talks right now.

It's confirmed - July 8 at the PNC Bank Arts Center The Glam Slam Metal Jam with Poison AND Warrant - (and some other bands - who cares?) - should be an acid-washed denim tight jeans extravaganza!
Check here for other dates in your area!

Wednesday, March 28, 2001

For those of you who haven't figured out how to use the Scenario Generator at the Yahoo! Sports Tournament Pick'em page, here's the eight possible outcomes of the Final Four and the respective winners:
  • Duke over Arizona: Rob is Retarded
  • Duke over Michigan St: Roxbury 02119
  • Maryland over Arizona: no names
  • Maryland over Michigan St: no names
  • Arizona over Duke: Without Sense
  • Arizona over Maryland: MATTHASONENUT
  • Michigan St over Duke: Michelle
  • Michigan St over Maryland: Michelle

Tuesday, March 27, 2001

"I used to have a problem getting girls to like me. But then I hauled an old pickup truck up into a tree and now the chicks can't get enough of me. Plus I'm a 48-year-old male stripper from Wisconsin."

Monday, March 26, 2001

My theory that college students only plunge to their death on Spring Break has been disproved. Kids, be careful on those balconies.

Thursday, March 22, 2001

It's either the end of the world, or just the beginning, depending on your taste or lack thereof. The consumption of food has become even more dumbed down than Hot Pockets. Introducing food in a cardboard toilet paper tube.

Tuesday, March 20, 2001

This article about people who fake disabilities to bring their dogs into restricted places like restaurants brings up yet a new way for people to take advantage of the less-fortunate, but this line makes me pause and think: "The vague language (of the law) fuels situations such as one a few months ago, when a pig carrying insulin for a diabetic ran rampant on a USAirways flight." How did I miss that one?

Monday, March 19, 2001

Ugh. As if Coke wasn't ubiquitous enough, now they want to pump that sugary syrupy crap directly into our homes. I'm starting a letter-writing campaign: "Dear Mr. Donald Daft (CEO of Coca-Cola): Stop force-feeding your addictive calorie-ridden carbonated cola beverages to our already enormously overweight world. You sicken me." As an aside, did you know that Coke makes Mello-Yello? Here's what their website says about it:
This smooth, yellow citrus beverage was introduced in 1978. Its refreshing taste and self-confident image are popular with teenagers.

Saturday, March 17, 2001

According to the Pick Distribution tool at the Yahoo! NCAA Tournament Pick'em site, 79.5% of the entries picked Duke to make the final four, followed by 52.3% for Arizona, 51.8% for Stanford, and 41.9% for Michigan State. And congratulations to 1st place team Scarlet Knightingales for correctly picking all eight games in the South region, and seven out of eight in the Midwest, making yesterday a 15 for 16 day.

Friday, March 16, 2001

I'm in last place (out of 13) in the NCAA Tournament Pick'em, and I'm in last place (out of 44) in my money league. All I wanted to see was a win by Southern Utah over BC, but it just wasn't in the cards. At least my final four teams are still alive. (fingers crossed)

Thursday, March 15, 2001

Congratulations to Team Vince's Lame Picks, the only set of picks to correctly predict the first two big upsets of the tournament, the 12th seeded Utah State Aggies over Ohio State and the 11th seeded Georgia State Panthers over Wisconsin. Take that, Big Ten. Check out the stats at the NCAA Tournament Pick'em at Yahoo! Sports. Five cents to the first person to correctly define "aggie".

Wednesday, March 14, 2001

You can keep your Weight Watchers and your Atkins Diet and your binge-and-purge. I know why people are so fat nowadays and how we can put an end to the madness. Stop drinking soda, jerk! Soda contains sugar that makes you fat. Teenagers today consume more than twice as much soda per day than teenagers from the 70's. The reason I'm not obese is that I've never had a soda in my life (save for the 7-Ups in my Seven and Sevens). Granted, I may be carrying around a few extra pounds (thanks to the Gay Oreos) but if I had drank soda while growing up, I'd be twice as fat. Read this report and you'll agree with me.

Well, it's Spring Break time again, which can only mean one thing: Drunk College Students Plummeting off Hotels. My friends and I had our own run-in with this phenomenon last March in Cancun. We woke up in the morning to see this outside our window. Seems that some kid got real drunk on the roof of the hotel, decided to urinate off the edge, and then slipped. Why do these things happen only on Spring Break?

Monday, March 12, 2001

There's still time to get involved in the NCAA Tournament Pick'em at Yahoo! Fantasy Sports. Create yourself a free entry and join Private Group #784 (password: hoops). The winner gets a $5 gift certificate to The Upset of the Week: 14 seed Southern Utah over 3 seed Boston College in the East.

Villanova and Seton Hall join sore losers UConn in the NIT - Not Invited to the Tournament. I find it very interesting - the tournament is hosted by TiVo - most of these games won't even be on TV!! Make sure you catch the ones that are:

Seton Hall at Alabama - March 13, 7:00 EST ESPN
Villanova at Minnesota - March 14, 9:30 EST ESPN2

Friday, March 09, 2001

There's nothing better than a good old-fashioned clown lynching. The photo that accompanies the story is priceless.

Thursday, March 08, 2001

I have never been more disenchanted in my life. Barring the formation of a new strategic alliance that doesn't run along original tribal lines, my girl Elisabeth will not make it to the Final Four of Survivor Part Deux. Instead, we will most likely have to suffer through watching Trailer Trash Tina, Kooky Keith, Country Colby, and Dopey Amber muddle through the last couple episodes. Whither goes sweet, sweet Elisabeth? has brought us so much joy, while at the same time it has bred a new generation of literary critics. Sample:
The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Patrick S. Inglis from new york city -- "I figured it would have some vineyards in it or something grape-related. Nobody drinks wine or eats grapes because there is no grapes to eat. Not even raisins. Just dust."

Wednesday, March 07, 2001

Another item for the things-you-don't-want-to-find-in-fast-food-chicken file: Live Mouse Found in Chicken Meal. This makes that old fried chicken head story seem like nothing.

Hey you! Do you want to win a $5 gift certificate to Of course you do! And you can have fun trying, by entering the NCAA Tournament Pick'em at Yahoo! Fantasy Sports. Just click on the link, create an entry, and join private group #784, password "hoops". Whoever gets the highest score will receive an actual $5 gift certficate! No shit! Tell your friends!

Monday, March 05, 2001

After reading that wearing a beard is a health hazard, I don't feel so bad anymore about my inability to grow decent facial hair.

Friday, March 02, 2001 has an excellent summary from the past episode of Survivor. It reveals that, allegedly, producer Mark Burnett attempted to influence the outcome of the reward challenge (so that the Ogakor tribe could get some eats for once) by forcing the Kucha tribe to use soft-voiced Nick as the "guy who has to yell alot to lead his blind-folded team." Here's what Burnett allegedly said to Rodger "Kentucky Joe" Bingham of the Kucha tribe:

"Look, guys, you've had pig and chicken and popcorn. The folks at Ogakor are now eating toenail filings for protein. Give them a chance to win this one by putting Mumblefuck Nick in charge. And then push Michael into the fire later today so we don't have to have tribal council. Thanks! Cheerio!"


Okay, so I'm going to be a good Catholic for Lent, and I'm giving up my two favorite comfort foods - ice cream and pretzels. So if you see me approaching either food object, please feel free to intervene.

Thursday, March 01, 2001

My friend was recently involved in a car accident in Connecticut recently. The car flipped and the emergency response unit had to use the jaws-of-life to get everyone out. He suffered a small fracture in his back, but he's going to be okay. He was sitting in the back seat without a seatbelt, so I asked him if he usually wore a belt when sitting in the back. His response was "half the time, but now, it will be all the time". I conducted an informal survey:

When sitting in the backseat, do you:
1) never wear the seatbelt
2) rarely
3) half the time
4) most of the time
5) all of the time?

The average response so far (with six responses) is 4.16, or most of the time. One respondent said: "I wear the seatbelt even if (there's somebody in the middle seat and) I have to grab somebody's ass. I even wear it in taxis and limos." Another respondent said: "Only if it's a shoulder belt. When it's just a lap belt, I'm afraid of getting severed in half in an accident." My response was 4, most of the time. What about you?

Kathryn was the Mole. Why did I like this show so much? I don't know. It follows the basic reality show formula of excessive editing, disjointed challenges for money, and the presence of a smarmy host. But yet, I was drawn to the beautiful locations, the deceptive identity of the mole, and the contestants' personalities (read: Kathryn was cute). And yes, for all parties concerned, I will be applying for Season 2.

Not that I read the National Review or anything, but I just can't stop giggling like a schoolgirl at lines like these:

Chelsea is a Clinton. She bears the taint; and though not prosecutable in law, in custom and nature the taint cannot be ignored.

Read the full article here.